Thursday, July 26, 2012

Random Vampires in High School

So this is what happens when I'm tired and my brain is fried. I'm sorry.

What would happen if Edward Cullen had been turned into a vampire as a balding, middle-aged white guy with a beer gut and man boobs? Without the looks, does a brooding pasty-white vampire with no personality even stand a chance of getting the girl? Even if he was superfast and super strong, I can only imagine what would happen if she discovered him lurking in her bedroom and watching her sleep...

He certainly wouldn't pass as a high school student, either, so that blows the whole first meeting out of the park. I suppose he could've instead posed as a teacher, though. Then, when he chased after a high school girl, their forbidden love really would be forbidden, because he'd look like he was old enough to be her dad. Meaning he'd probably be arrested. Huh. I wonder what Bella would say...

"How long have you been 56?" she asks.

"For a long time," he says.

Ha. Doesn't have quite the same feeling as with the young-looking vampire. But when you think about it, even young-looking vampire is kind of creepy. I mean, he was probably what, like eighty when she was born? Why is he chasing after a teenage girl, anyway? Fuck that, why is he even pretending to be a teenager? Why is it not disturbing that she's making out with someone that's old enough to be her great grandfather? Is it just because he looks young?

I'm not really a Twi-hater, by the way. Just...meh. Kinda tired of hearing about it. Don't really care. I wrote this because I was just randomly thinking about the latest vampire fad, how we've gone from blooodsucking monsters to...well, pussy vampire love stories. They can be entertaining, but they're not the monsters I love.

Which brings me to Vampire Diaries (a.k.a. 90210 Vampires) which has yet another vampire who decides to pose as a high school student. And guess what? He is wicked frickin' old too. And he falls in love with a high school girl. Gofigure. I tried to watch this show. I made it through almost the entire first season, simultaneously hating myself for watching it because it was so stupid and not stopping, because for some reason I wanted to know what happened next. Sigh.

Stefan, the love interest of the main character, is a moody, brooding douchebag. But he doesn't kill or drink from people. Anymore. And they go into this whole storyline where he falls off the wagon and drinks human blood. Donated blood from bags. Dude, you're a fricking vampire, that's what you do. Was killing fuzzy little bunnies and squirrels somehow supposed to make you more appealing? Really? And you know what?

This Stefan dude is a little creepy, too. He follows Elena (main character), randomly popping up wherever she goes, and instead of thinking it's creepy and stalkerish, she kinda digs it. Cuz he's cute. Giggle. Even more creepy, is he's doing it because she looks exactly like the vampire who turned him, a woman he supposedly loved, which I don't understand, because this woman was a manipulative, nasty c*** who completely dicked him over.

I found myself rooting for Elena to like his evil-ish brother instead. Damon, the brother, was much more palatable...though still not overly original. He's pretty much the classic bad boy. Zippy, witty dialogue. Likes to cause trouble. Does whatever he wants. Not quite as evil as he wants you to believe. And much hotter than his brother.

But anyway... I just got annoyed with it. Lots of stupidity. Characters die left and right. Too much drama. Too much teen drama. And hey, that's the audience they're going for, so maybe that's just what appeals to the kids these days. (That just made me sound old...) But in the end, I was left feeling: This is not for me.

So that, in a nutshell, is my rant for the day.

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